Midnight
by britterfly
Summary: What happens when love goes too far? Gordo loves Lizzie but when his love turns into obsession, nothing can control him or how he feels. And how will the people around him handle these feelings? Gordo POV. COMPLETED. Read the sequel.
1. Window Pains

Peaceful. So peaceful as she rests her eyes for a serene night of sleep. All I can think of is how beautiful she is and how much I love her. Her beautiful blond hair, her gorgeous eyes, and the cute manner she inhabits during her everyday life.  
  
She lies quietly in her bed. Still like the air. A small smile appears on her face and all I can think of is what could she be dreaming about. What could she think is so great that could make her smile? I wonder. I wonder.  
  
It is quiet on the street in which Lizzie lives. All the cars are parked, all the adults and children in bed, and nothing. Nothing more than the occasional owl. It's so quiet. Quiet and peaceful like my Lizzie.  
  
I did not always stare at her. I did not always watch her and think of her and want to be with her. It mostly started in the beginning of eighth grade. Lizzie came back more beautiful than ever. Her hair shone like the stars and her skin glistened like the moon. On that first day back, I was in awe. I was shocked. I was happy. But more, I was in love.  
  
Never had I felt so passionately in love. I had my share of crushes and even a girlfriend but never had I ever had such deep feelings for anyone. And what surprised me most was that I actually had these feelings for Lizzie. I always thought that she wouldn't be my type. That preppy, goody two-shoes look didn't usually attract me but now, it was the only thing I could think of.  
  
She came back mature. Both in mind and body. And I, I was nothing. Nothing was important about me. I was just pathetic little Gordo. I'm not handsome or "hot" like Ethan Craft. I was a nobody.  
  
And I never used to think like that either. I used to be confident in what I said and how I looked but now, I had no self-esteem. Nothing in me could compare to Lizzie. Nothing in me could ever become or reach the level of Lizzie. Nothing in me could make me feel the same way I used to. Nothing.  
  
And now, I look at Lizzie and all I can think about is how great my life would be if I was with her.  
  
I look at Lizzie and think that she will want to be with me if I tell her how I feel.  
  
I look at Lizzie and just want to touch her, and hold her, and have her know that I will never leave her. That I will always be there for her. That I will always love her.  
  
As I stare at her beautiful face, all I can see is her. Not the stars or the moon or anything. Just her.  
  
My face is pressed hard against her window. My hands spread out in longing to be with her. Longing to have her. I watch, and wish, and hope as my wonderful Lizzie sleeps and I stare from outside her window. Longing. Longing... 


	2. The Call

THE NEXT MORNING 6:30 A.M.  
  
The phone rings.  
  
"Hey Lizzie. What's up?" I said.  
  
"Well, I just woke up from a really great dream, Gordo. Why did you call so early?" Lizzie replied.  
  
"Um, I don't know. I guess I just wanted to talk to you. I guess I just wanted to hear what you had to say."  
  
"Say? About what?"  
  
"I don't know. Anything."  
  
"Gordo, is everything okay. Is there anything you want to tell me?"  
  
"I don't know. I mean, there is something I want to tell you but I don't know if you really want to hear it."  
  
"Just tell me."  
  
"I can't. It's really too personal."  
  
"Gordo, it can't be that bad if you originally thought of telling me."  
  
"I know. But now, when I talk to you, it's not the same. I don't feel the same way about telling you as I did before."  
  
"Sometimes you really confuse me Gordo."  
  
"Sometimes I really confuse myself."  
  
"Yeah, I guess. But seriously, are you sure you're feeling all right. I mean, ever since this school year started, you've seemed distant. Like, I don't know, you've got something serious on your mind."  
  
"I guess you could say that's true."  
  
"Gordo, I'm your best friend. Just tell me why you are so weird."  
  
"I never really thought of myself as weird."  
  
"You know what I mean!"  
  
"Yeah. Lizzie, I know you like Ethan but have you ever had any other crushes."  
  
"What are you implying?"  
  
"Nothing. It's just that, I've been having these feelings. These strange feelings. They're not good or anything. Actually, they make me feel pretty weird. Pretty bad about myself."  
  
"Gordo, you're scaring me now."  
  
"Am I? Because I've been scaring myself a lot lately. Can you make me a promise? Can you promise me that no matter what happens, you won't hate me. You won't think that I'm weird or that I'm a freak because I really depend on what you have to say and what you think of me. I don't have very many friends and I value your friendship more than anyone's. Even Miranda's. Promise me. Please."  
  
"I promise Gordo. I promise. Just tell me what is going on."  
  
I couldn't speak anymore. I couldn't tell her anymore. I wasn't ready to. I didn't feel up to letting all of my feelings about her flow out of me. So I hung up. I hope she wasn't upset. I just couldn't speak. 


	3. The Shower p.1

Night 7:30 P.M.  
  
"Hey, you wanna come over?"  
  
"Aren't your parents home?"  
  
"No, they're at some dinner. They'll be gone all night."  
  
"Okay. I'll see you in a few."  
  
  
  
Have you ever really thought about what a shower can do to you?  
  
I love showers. A shower is a way for me to be completely free without having to worry about what anyone else thinks. In a shower, I won't have to worry about the beauty queens thinking I'm a little nothing. In the shower, I can be me.  
  
Feelings. Bad feelings. Dirty feelings. I can wash them all away with a little soap and water. Feelings stuck to my body like dirt. I grab the soap and scrub my skin till I can feel it flake off violently. Scrub, scrub, scrub. Arm, legs, feet, hands, chest, face. All I have to do is scrub long enough and all of the feelings that haunt me can wash away.  
  
I stand underneath the water for what seems like hours. I don't try to rub away my feelings anymore but rather let the water of the shower gently let those feeling flow away.  
  
I want to not love Lizzie because with this love, I get so much pain. These feelings, they cause so much love and pain. They're so strong. I can't control them anymore. They're like some sick disease that was designed to bring an end to me. Why can't I just be normal?  
  
I don't know how long I was in the shower for. I didn't really care. My parents were gone. I had the house to myself. I guess I just wanted to clean up a little bit. And I guess I was about to shut the water off when I heard the shower door open.  
  
I just stood with my back to the door. Suddenly I felt cold hands on my back. I knew that skin from previous experiences. It was soft.  
  
"Can I join you?"  
  
And I knew that voice. It wasn't a surprise to me or anything. I had known that voice for almost as long as I had known Lizzie. And I had known that skin for as long as I had known Lizzie. But was it Lizzie's voice? Was it Lizzie's skin?  
  
For these past couple of months I had known and acknowledged the fact that it wasn't Lizzie. Would it ever be…I don't know. But for now, it could fill some hole that I desperately needed to be filled. 


	4. The Shower p.2- Me and Miranda

It had been nearly 8 months since Miranda and I began secretly seeing each other. It began about a week into school.  
  
"Gordo, I have feelings for you. I mean, I like you a lot and I really wanted to tell you because it's been eating me up inside all summer." Miranda told me after school at my house.  
  
Lizzie had just left after we all finished our homework. Miranda was waiting for her mother.  
  
I had no idea what to do or what to say at that point. Miranda was one of my best friends and I knew that if I told her that I didn't like her or that I was in love with her best friend, how would she feel. What would happen? Would she tell Lizzie? Would Lizzie hate me?  
  
"I like you too, Miranda." I said. What a lie! I didn't know what else to say.  
  
"Does this mean we are going out?"  
  
"Whoa! Let's not get ahead of ourselves now. I don't know if I'm ready to go out with anyone right now."  
  
"But you just said you like me."  
  
"I know. But think of it as this…I am friends with Lizzie, you are friends with Lizzie, how would Lizzie feel? Will she hate us and not want to be our friend anymore? Will she be happy?"  
  
"I don't know."  
  
"And neither do I. It's just too much of a risk right now to try and explain a relationship between us to her."  
  
The lies were just spewing out of my mouth.  
  
"Well, I guess you're right. But won't it be awkward between us. We both like each other but can't be together."  
  
"We can be together. Just in private. In secrecy. No one has to know. Especially not Lizzie."  
  
I can't believe the things that were coming out my mouth. As if my life weren't complicated enough being in love with my best friend, I now have to pretend to be in love with another.  
  
"Okay."  
  
And since then, we have been together. Don't get me wrong. Miranda is pretty but she is no Lizzie. She'll never be.  
  
I guess now I've come to the agreement that me being with Miranda is a way for me to try and put my feelings toward Lizzie onto Miranda. But as much as I want to try and like Miranda, Lizzie does something that makes me love her even more than I did before.  
  
Miranda began to kiss my back. I shivered not only from the cold feeling of her lips but from the thought of her kissing me. I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't keep this lie up. Sooner or later, Lizzie would find out and how would I explain to her what has been going on. Sooner or later I'll tell her. But right now, it feels good just knowing that someone wants me. Even if it is Miranda. 


	5. How to Get Free

Ethan Craft. I can't stand that guy. He thinks that he is Mr. All Powerful and Great at this school. Well, he is but damn it, I still can't stand him.  
  
I also can't stand him because Lizzie likes him. I don't even understand why. Lizzie and all of those girls worship Ethan like he's some sort of god when he's really just an asshole. How am I supposed to get close to Lizzie if Ethan Craft is standing in my way?  
  
Ethan invited Lizzie, Miranda, and I to his summer beach bash. I didn't really want to go but since Lizzie and Miranda were going, I figured it would be okay. And besides, I had a few days to get ready for preppy paradise.  
  
1 Early Evening- Gordo's Room  
  
The telephone rings.  
  
"Hey Gordo, what's up?" the voice on the other end said.  
  
"Hey Chris. Where can I meet you at?" I said.  
  
"Alley behind 6th and Fullerton."  
  
"Will you have the stuff?"  
  
"That's what we're meeting for isn't it?"  
  
"Yeah, whatever. I'll see you later."  
  
2 Kitchen of the Gordon house  
  
"Mom, can I have $200.00." I said.  
  
"Yeah right, David." My mother replied.  
  
"Um, someone stole my new camera out of my gym locker."  
  
"Did you report it as stolen?"  
  
"Um yeah, but they said it wouldn't be likely that I'd get it back."  
  
"Can't you wait till tomorrow? I mean, we can go shopping then."  
  
"Mom, you know I can't. I always need to film."  
  
"I don't know why I'm doing this but, okay. It's not like I've never trusted you before."  
  
"Yeah mom. Um, I gotta go."  
  
With that, I ran out of the kitchen and into my room.  
  
Back Alley-10:30 P.M.  
  
"You got the stuff?"  
  
"Yeah, genuine Ecstasy. No shit. Well, at least I don't think so but then again, you never know."  
  
"Don't even kid like that, man."  
  
"How'd you get out of the house without getting caught?"  
  
"Dude, my parents don't know anything about me. They don't know what goes on in my life."  
  
"Okay."  
  
I begin to walk away.  
  
"Fuck man, where's my money."  
  
"Oh sorry. Yeah, here you go."  
  
"Yo, don't make that mistake again."  
  
3 Gordo's Bedroom  
  
I always thought that I would be one of those people that would never do drugs. I would be a good boy, get a good education, and just have a good life. But, life doesn't work out like that. Things happen, people change. I did. And besides, there was nothing wrong with doing a little ecstasy. Miranda and I did it all the time and all it ever did was make us feel…free. And that's okay. I'd rather feel free then some hopeless loser like I always do 24/7. 


	6. Midnight Breakup

I figured it would be easier to talk to Miranda when she's on drugs rather than off drugs. That way, I have a better chance of her not flipping out after I tell her that I don't love her but her best friend.  
  
I pick up the telephone and decide to call Miranda. I want to tell her in person, not on the phone.  
  
"Miranda? Hey, it's me, Gordo. Do you think you could come over tonight?"  
  
"Aren't your parents home, Gordo?"  
  
"They won't mind. They never seem to notice anything anyway."  
  
"Well, okay."  
  
Midnight-Gordo's House  
  
I saw Miranda walk up to my front porch. I didn't want her to be inside of my house when I told her so I decided to take her to the park where we wouldn't be so confined.  
  
"So…what's up?" Miranda toted in her usual voice.  
  
"Um, I wanted to talk to you about something but first," I take the bag of Ecstasy pills out "look what I got!"  
  
"Awesome. I really needed to pop a pill. Things have been, I don't know, weird lately."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
I give Miranda the pills and in a matter of minutes, she is beginning to let loose and act silly.  
  
"Aren't you going to have some, Gordo?"  
  
"Oh, I already did before you came over."  
  
"Okay."  
  
"I need to talk to you about something. Um, have you ever had feelings that are so strong, you don't know what to do with them? Like, you love someone so much that it hurts inside not to be with them."  
  
"Yeah. I mean, that's how I feel about you. I've felt that way for a while. All of this time that we've spent together has made my feelings so deep and so powerful."  
  
"Oh, shit. I didn't want it to lead to this."  
  
"Didn't want want?"  
  
"Um, the way you feel for me…I don't feel that way for you. I don't think I ever have or that I ever will. I cherish you as a friend and I wish that I could feel the same way, it's just that, these other feelings I have get in the way."  
  
I tried to place my hand on Miranda's shoulder but she yanked it away.  
  
"Are you kidding me? Who is she?"  
  
"It doesn't really matter."  
  
"Like hell it doesn't. I wanna know who you love sooooo much. God, Gordo."  
  
"Lizzie."  
  
"Lizzie? Who is Lizzie to me? She's like your complete opposite. You and I belong together. We have the most passion."  
  
"That's not true."  
  
"She doesn't even love you. She loves Ethan. I love you. I cherish you as a part of my life. Why can't you see that?"  
  
"I do see it. But, my heart doesn't want to acknowledge as the love that I want."  
  
Tears began to slowly drip down Miranda's face. I didn't mean to make her this upset. If this is how she acts on Ecstasy, how would she act off of it?  
  
I try to touch her again but she pushes me away. Hard. I fall to the ground. Miranda falls on top of me. And she begins to hit me on my chest.  
  
"I hate you, I hate you. You were everything to me and now you don't want me. I'm nothing without you. Please."  
  
"Miranda you're hurting me."  
  
"Good. I want you to hurt like I am. I hate you. I hate you."  
  
Miranda rolls off of me and begins to crawl on her knees. She screams out in pain for what I have done to her.  
  
"I hate you. You'll regret this. I hate you. You'll regret this. I hate…" Miranda said as she slowly cried and crawled on the ground.  
  
I got up off the ground and ran away as fast as I could. Whatever I could do to get out of the situation. Whatever I could do to get way. 


	7. Why Suicide?

Miranda hadn't shown up at Lizzie's house today. We were all supposed to meet up and just, hang. But, Miranda wasn't there and I knew something was wrong. She was obviously upset about last night. I didn't know she would take it so badly. I wish that right now I hadn't broken up with Miranda because then I wouldn't feel like shit inside.  
  
"I can't believe Miranda is not here yet. I called her nearly an hour ago." Lizzie stated.  
  
I looked away. I didn't want Lizzie to see my guilty face.  
  
"It's no fun if both of you aren't here." Lizzie said.  
  
"Yeah. Um, maybe I should go." I said.  
  
With that, I ran out of Lizzie's house as fast as possible and straight to Miranda's house.  
  
  
  
I rang the doorbell and Mrs. Sanchez answered the door.  
  
"Hello David. I'm sorry but Miranda really doesn't want to see anyone now." Mrs. Sanchez said.  
  
"I understand that but I need to see her. Seriously. I think that she's in danger from herself."  
  
  
  
All of a sudden, I heard a loud gunshot. I knew where it came from. I knew who shot the gun. I pushed Mrs. Sanchez out of the way and ran straight up to Miranda's bedroom. I opened the door and saw Miranda's lifeless body sprawled out on her bed.  
  
Her mother and father ran upstairs soon after I did. I looked over and saw her mother fall on the ground to her knees just like Miranda did last night.  
  
  
  
Her father ran to the telephone to call the police, as I slowly walked over to Miranda. I could not believe that this had happened. I couldn't believe Miranda could do this.  
  
Close to her body was a suicide note. It said:  
  
Dear Everyone,  
  
I'm sorry. I can not live any longer in this world. My life is meaningless. Gordo, Lizzie, Mom, Dad…I'm truly sorry. I can't live knowing that Gordo does not love me, but rather, that he loves Lizzie. Lizzie, I should have told you that I was seeing Gordo but it doesn't make a difference now. He does not love me like I love him and even more, he loves you. Mom, Dad, I know you will be sad but this is for the best. I just can't live with this pain any longer.  
  
Miranda  
  
  
  
The police later said that she stole the gun from her father's closet.  
  
I didn't know that she was on anti-depressants. Apparently, she hadn't been taking them for a while. Me giving her drugs didn't make it any better.  
  
I feel so guilty now. If I had just been honest with her from the beginning, none of this would have happened. If I had just told her how I felt about Lizzie from the beginning, would she have gotten so depressed? Would she hate me so much?  
  
I don't know but right now, all I can see are tears. And I know they're my fault. Miranda, I'm sorry. 


	8. Truth

I picked up the telephone and dialed Lizzie's number. I thought that I should be the first person to tell her. Miranda had just killed herself nearly an hour ago.  
  
"Hi, is Lizzie there?" I said.  
  
"Hey Gordo, it's me." Lizzie replied.  
  
"Um, I have something to tell you. And, I don't know how to say this but, Miranda, she killed herself."  
  
"Gordo, this is not what I call a funny joke."  
  
"It's not a joke. When I left your house, I ran to Miranda's house but I was too late. She killed herself seconds after I arrived. I'm sorry."  
  
"No. She wouldn't do that. Miranda isn't depressed. She's happy. She's happy."  
  
"I'm sorry Lizzie. I'm just as hurt as you are. But in times like these. I think we should be around the people that we love. People that are family and close friends."  
  
"Gordo, do you think you could come over to my house?"  
  
"Yeah. I'll be over as soon as possible."  
  
  
  
On my way to Lizzie's house. I had to pass by Miranda. There were still many police officers, news reporters, and ambulance. I saw Mrs. Sanchez being held by her husband. I had to get away, and fast. Whenever I thought about what had just happened, and enormous amount of guilt overflowed my body. I couldn't deal with the feelings.  
  
When I got to Lizzie's house, her parents were trying to comfort her but she looked too sad to let anyone hold her. Her face was completely red and her tears streamed from her face.  
  
I ran up to Lizzie and she hugged me. It felt so good to have her in my arms. Even though the circumstances were devastating, it still felt good. Maybe because of what happened, I would bring us closer together.  
  
I felt Lizzie's tears drop from her eyes onto my shoulder. I loved having a part of her drop onto me and smooth into me. I loved embracing her. Her silky hair still shone and her unbelievably good smelling skin engulfed me. Right now, I wasn't thinking about Miranda or myself. I was jus thinking about Lizzie. Everything Lizzie.  
  
  
  
"I just don't understand why she would do this. We all loved her. She knew that, didn't she?" Lizzie asked.  
  
"I don't think so." I replied.  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"Miranda wrote a suicide note and she talked about how sorry she was. She felt as though no one loved her. Me especially."  
  
"Why you?"  
  
"I don't know if this is the right time to tell you this."  
  
"Just tell me. I wanna know why this happened."  
  
"For a while, Miranda and I were secretly dating. Actually it had been nearly 8 months."  
  
"And you didn't tell me."  
  
"The original intent was to not make you upset or jeopardize our friendship."  
  
"Gordo, I wouldn't have cared if you two dated."  
  
"But see, it wasn't that simple. Miranda was in love with me. Passionately and dangerously in love with me. And I tried to feel the same way with her but it was hard. I was in love with someone else. You."  
  
Lizzie pushed me away.  
  
"Are you serious?"  
  
"Yes. I love you. I've loved you for the longest time. And I tried to get over that love by being with Miranda but it wouldn't go away. I actually began to love you more than I ever did before."  
  
"Oh my god. I can't deal with this. Just go, please, just go."  
  
"Lizzie.."  
  
"Go!" 


	9. The Funeral

Midnight  
  
  
  
I went back to Lizzie's house. She was asleep but she didn't look as peaceful as usual. Her face didn't have the usual glow. Her smile was non existent.  
  
I couldn't stare at my lovely blond and dream of her dreaming of me. I couldn't stare and be at peace knowing that she was at peace. Because she was not her usual happy self. She was sad and upset. Her best friend just killed herself and it was mostly my fault. And, besides that point, I had just confessed my love for her.  
  
All of this in just a matter or hours. All of this because of my love for Lizzie. I was wrong. Self-centered for thinking of myself before Miranda or even Lizzie. But it didn't even matter anymore. Miranda was gone. Lizzie hated me.  
  
In my mind, it seemed like a good enough reason to try to get over Lizzie but it wasn't that easy. I thought that now it would be okay to try and love someone else because it had become aware that Lizzie obviously didn't like me. Or so I thought.  
  
  
  
Ethan Craft had canceled his summer beach party. He was friends with Miranda, in one way or another and I guess he knew that it was too uncomfortable to have a party now. Tons of kids from our school went to her funeral. Lizzie was sitting up front with the Sanchez's. I wanted to sit with them but I felt like it would be wrong so I sat a few rows behind them.  
  
I stared at Lizzie there just like I stared at her at night. She still looked beautiful but sad. Tears still fell from her eyes and I knew they probably wouldn't stop for a while. All of these crazy things happening around her would make anyone go crazy but Lizzie held her head up and looked like a strong young female.  
  
Even through all of the things that happened, the Sanchez's still asked me to say something at the wedding. So, when it was my time, I went up there and made my speech.  
  
"Miranda. She was and always will be one of my best friends. We were so close, closer than I could have ever imagined. I could tell her almost everything and vice versa. We shared secrets and just had a good time with each other. I had always thought of Miranda as a happy person. I thought that, because we were so close, she would tell me if she was depressed. Apparently, I was wrong. Minutes before Miranda took her own life, I knew something bad would happen. We kinda had this bond in where we knew if one or the other was in danger. I was at Lizzie's house and I knew that I had to leave. Something told me to go besides the fact that Miranda showed up late for a planned get together between her, Lizzie and me. But,  
  
I was too late. And soon after that happened, I wondered if we were really as close as I thought we were. I guess that really doesn't matter now. What I remember most about Miranda is her passionate personality. Anything she did, she did with a purpose and that is what I truly loved about her. She believed in everything she did and never regretted the things she did. She had this spark, this love, that could never be defeated and I truly regret the fact that I couldn't appreciate that till after she was gone. But, life goes on. And I know that Miranda would have wanted all of us to live and be free."  
  
I stepped off of the podium. It was hard to say all of that about Miranda but I knew I had to. I had to express my feelings about Miranda even though I was not passionately in love with her like I am with Lizzie. As I walked down, I saw Lizzie staring at me. Maybe, just maybe, there was hope for friendship. Maybe love. 


End file.
